She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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