I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
