If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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