I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the day after is always just damage control
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
