I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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