I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
