I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
