You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
