Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
