Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
