Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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