If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
