perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
