I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
