Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the day after is always just damage control
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How naked do you want me to be?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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