remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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