I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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