my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
