i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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