Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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