I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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