Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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