Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
