I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
