sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize