Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it hurts more in the daytime
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
