what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
