you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
