A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
