I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
