mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
