My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
