I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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