Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
