I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize