i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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