I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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