Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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