He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
