i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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