if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
