Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
