Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
