You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
