he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
