and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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