So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
