My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
