if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
