Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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