I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
