I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They took my balls.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
