well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
