I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't deserve a penis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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