my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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