I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
