you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
