I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You took a bar mat shot.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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