Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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