Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
